It’s been a hot second. Scorching even.

WOW. Hi guys. To repeat whats on the title above, its been a damn hot second since i’ve written anything on this poor, poor dusty old blog. No, seriously. It’s super dusty in here, im currently dusting off my mantle as we speak.

Lol JK. That was a bad joke. I’m not really in some other dimension that involves me physically being inside of my website. Although, thinking about it that would be a pretty dope idea. Very Fairly Odd Parents episode-esque.

Anyways, i do want to apologize about not posting in like what…6 months or something like that? This year has truly been a trip for me. I think in a very earlier post of mine i talked about how much this year has been different for me and all of the many bad choices and actions i’ve been up to. You can go read that somewhere, I’d give you the link but quite frankly i can’t remember which post that’s on. But yeah, other than the rollercoaster ride of bad decisions that i did the first few beginning months of the year, I’ve also been trying to figure myself out. Who i am and where im going, shit like that, ya know?

I guess it took me 21 years of living my life to really understand who i am and where the fuck im trying to go. I know im being super vague here but i dont want to get into that just now. Maybe sometime in the future or maybe you’ll just figure it out–who knows. But yeah. This year…has really just fucking sucked. I mean, once i finally came to terms with myself and just like, life and this year, i guess it sucked a little less. But fuck sake man…THIS YEAR HAS BEEN FULL OF EVERYTHING AMIRITE?!

Like it’s almost the end of the year and im looking back at everything that’s damn happened this year and…wow. What a damn ride. I legit had my seat belt on and everything thats how wild this years been. I was holding on for dear life and not giving a fuck what really happened. Which, i guess for some people is actually a good way to grow up. You kind of just hold on to your life and hope for the best. Geez. That sounds a little dark. I promise i didnt mean it to be as dark as it sounded.

—-okay side note, while i’m writing this there’s this guy sitting an aisle next to me in the library and for the love of god–he is chewing his food and SWALLOWING IT SO FRUSTRATINGLY LOUD I WANT TO THROW A BOOK AT HIS FACE.

Okay back to the relevance of this post. Essentially what i’m trying to say is that, i haven’t been writing on here because i was pretty much in the middle of trying to figure out who i am, what that means, and what are my next steps to better myself and my future. I guess the whole notion of me being an adult has hit me full frontal and i just want to be as prepared as possible so i can handle whats out there for me next. Especially in the disastrous world that we are so unfortunately living in now…whoops. Did i say that out loud? I frankly don’t care. It’s the truth. Another reason i wasn’t writing was because i also was in between jobs this entire year. I had 3 separate jobs at different times of the year, and two in which i absolutely hated by the end. Between these three separate jobs i also had at least 1-3 months of unemployment which really took a blow on me and my wallet which also didn’t make me feel good as a person because i felt even more in a rut. So there was no real inspiration for me to write because my life in the past 8 to 9 months was truly just a mess and i was pretty much all over the place, literally. So writing was very last thing on my mind.

However, now im in a much more happier place with my current job and overall where i’m at in life. So my creative juices and inspriation is having more of a kick now that im happy with myself and where im at in life. I’ve experienced a lot of interesting and new things that i want to share with anyone who is willing to read it and have a good laugh. So i’m ready to dust off this cute little site of mine and really get back to work with what i want this all to be. A space where i can just express myself and my life to a bunch of strangers (or distant friends, if i decide to post this on facebook. Lol hi, y’all) and just let loose. I want to be heard, even if its by a bunch of strangers.

I have a voice and after figuring my shit out, i think that my future looks bright when i decide to speak up and say something about…well….anything. Writing is my thing and i don’t ever want to give up on it like i did these past couple of months. Ew. This little ending got a little to deep, personal, and way too sentimental. It almost sounds like a Grey’s Anatomy ending. Whoops. Now let me fix that:

I’M BACK Y’ALL WUT UP?! LET’S GET RIGHT BACK TO IT FAM.

☮️

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One is the Loneliest Number

So far this summer I have had more than enough days to myself and away from work to make me realize how much i still hate being an only child. I’m usually home alone most of my days until my parents get home but even when they get home, they’re not exactly on the top of my list of people i prefer to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, i’m sure there are only children who love spending time with their parents and family, I for one am just not one of them. I have had to hang out with them for the past 21 years of my life because they are the only other people who live with me and i have had to hangout with the rest of my family as well and for the most part, they are all old (no offense y’all). So there is no real connection to be had having a conversation with a bunch of 50+ year olds.

Im straying off from what i wanted to talk about.

What i was trying to say was just that; all of these days alone at home, doing nothing has really gotten to me. It’s made me feel very, very, lonely (listen to Chance the Rapper’s song that i just linked, i promise its everything you thought it was and more). And all of this loneliness has got me thinking how i have sort of always been this way and how i always usually feel bad for my friends every time i call them up to hangout with me. I feel like a burden.

Like an annoying younger sister that always tugs on your shirt to hangout because i’m feeling sad and lonely and no one is paying attention to me. That’s pretty much how i feel some of the times when i’m caught in these feelings of loneliness, like an annoying, needy child. But can you blame me? When you live your life alone with no one else to share your life with and no one else to share your secrets with (obviously i have friends but i’m talking about this in a sibling sense, so go with it, okay?) it’s hard to ever wanting to stay alone.

People always think that we have it great in more than one way, being an only child that is. That growing up we were spoiled rotten, we got all of the attention, we never had to share things with siblings, you always had peace and quiet. Well, for starters not all of that is true for every single person who grew up as an only child.

  • I was never spoiled growing up. We were poor af. There are some kids though that are disgustingly spoiled and trust me, i’ve met a few in my time and they are NOT great folk.
  • Sure, i got SOME attention. However i have an enormous family and i am that awkward middle child of the ENTIRE family amongst children. At least 100 of my cousins are older than me and at least 100 of my cousins are younger than me. Not one of them is my age.
  • You’re right, i never had to share shit. Yet that never stopped me from sharing things in school, the playground, or even till this day. Except for fries…or food. Im super stingy sharing food if it’s mine. Sorry not sorry.
  • You’re right again, i did always have peace and quiet, but did i ever like it? No. Absolutely not.

So you see, there are some perks and some not so perks to be had by being an only child. However, depending on how you were raised, your environment, and just overall how you felt about being an only child is what i am assuming shapes you to how you really feel about being one.

Since essentially my experience with being an only child was almost always feeling lonely or not heard (because of the whole weird middle child affect that i had because of my massive family) i always felt like i had no one to connect to. By connect i mean connection that you would have with a sibling.

I yearn for what that feels like. Sure, friends and best friends can have that feeling of what siblings would have. But i always just feel like it’s different. I mean, duh, of course its different but you know what i mean. Of course i love my friends dearly and i see my two best friends as sisters but, i will NEVER know, no matter how hard i love them, what it’s truly like to be connected to them by blood as a “true” sister.

Yeah sure, sometimes it doesn’t take blood to feel that connection and i get that–i do, but i dont know. I guess i just always wished for someone to be connected to forever in a sense. I guess this is just really hard to explain unless you’ve gone through this yourself.

I’ve just really fucking felt lonely lately, okay? Let me live my life. I’m just venting at this point. Being an only child sucks. To me anyways. It has never really been enjoyable to quite literally come into this world alone.

Hey, at least i have my dog and i damn love her to death.

☮️

Longing to Leave

I’m pretty sure i’ve said this in a previous post about me learning to stop comparing my life to those of my friends, but for the love of God is that hard. So let me start off by saying sorry about the constant repetitiveness of my blog posts, but i’m struggling with this feeling a lot lately. So bear with me.

Lately i’ve really been yearning to leave this place and by place i mean this city. I am just so tired of this city, i’ve been here my whole goddamn life. I look around and there is nothing for me to look at anymore, i look around and i just feel bored and distant, like i don’t belong here anymore. As if my time here in this city is up. I know that sounds so morbid but it’s true. I feel empty in this city nowadays. Which makes me feel horrible because i don’t want my friends to think its them or that i want to leave them–trust me i don’t which is why i have been struggling with this whole feeling, i don’t want to leave my friends or family.

But when i look at all of my other friends who have come from all different parts of this country and see them thriving and loving this city so much, i feel like i can also have that if i were to leave this place. I feel like maybe home for me now is someplace else other than Boston (oh look a random fun fact for new readers! Don’t get the joke? Read my very first blog post to have a good chuckle). I don’t know man. Again, there is another part of me that feels almost guilty of feeling this way because i should be grateful for living and growing up in such a big and thriving city where there is so much work and so much opportunities. I feel almost like an ungrateful inner city kids.

I shouldn’t feel that way though. I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to leave should i? No. I don’t think so….I mean, look at all the other people in the world that leave their home town or city and completely move to a new and unknown place. They’re doing great, I’m sure. I also just feel like I’m missing out somehow on not leaving Boston and finding a new place to call home even if for a little while. I feel like that’s an adventure in itself and that i would be able to even figure myself more if i were to pick up and move to a completely different place. I dont know man. Maybe I’m just over thinking this.

Or maybe I’m not. I just want to get out of here man. Meet new people, enjoy new sights, sounds, and smells. Enjoy the colorful buzz of a bustling new and unexplored city. I’m just yearning to leave this place, it’s home…but it’s also not at the same time. I wish i could explain this feeling but that’s the best i can do right now. I need a new place to love and call home…is that so much to want and ask for?

Maybe.

I don’t know.

☮️

 

 

**just so i don’t get told off–i do not own the picture that was featured for this post, i found it off google. All rights to the OG artist**

 

Me at 21

This is me at 21.

 

Writing this at a late hour of the night because i am realizing that i have neglected my cute little blog that i decided to make for myself in hopes of channeling my creativity through a public outlet.

With my hair tied up in a messy bun and Adidas shorts in my wrinkled bed sheets that i decided not to make this morning and with a fully read copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on my nightstand because i keep forgetting to put it in my bookshelf.

This is me at 21.

Still unsure of what my future will hold and what exactly my aspirations are.

Which makes everything seem just THAT much more scary than what it has to be, but i also keep telling myself that everyone feels that way. However for some reason i keep thinking that i am the only one on the face of the planet that feels that way nonetheless.

Scared that i’m going to be still working retail in a possible 5 years time and that i still wont know what i want to do with myself and with my life.

Also scared that my parents wont appreciate all the hard work and effort that i’ve put into school and work and trying to find a decent job in the field im studying because all they see for right now is a silly little girl working a silly little retail job–which in their eyes “isn’t a real job”. Whatever that means.

This is me at 21.

With some pretty fucking amazing friends. 2 in which i’ve known for about 13 years now and just so grateful they’ve stuck around even though we’ve had some years we’ve been distant. And for the other amazing bunch whom i’ve only met as of last year and hope to god these amazing, beautiful, and hilarious people get to stay in my life as long as possible because i am just so grateful to have met every single one of you when i did.

I also have a matching fucking amazing boyfriend too. Who loves me unconditionally even when i act stupid and a bit too over-dramatic over the littlest of things. Who i’ve spent the last 4 years laughing, joking, and getting into very strange situations in the fridge department of a JC Penny with. God, you are truly something else and i adore everything there is about your human.

With so much love in my body that i never think people feel it as much as i give it.

This is me at 21.

Wanting so bad to be a “real” adult and to move out as soon as i can, because seeing all your other friends in their own apartment makes you feel a little self conscious that you’re still living with your parents.

But then telling yourself it’s fine and that everything is fine because everyone has their own path in life and things will happen when they happen for you.

But you’re also hoping you’re not going to be moving out at 30 years old because you rather not be living a depressing life.

This is me at 21.

As sarcastic as i think i’ve ever been to the point where i think i have to reevaluate myself because some people might take it the wrong way and think im rude.

For the record, me at 21 is not rude. I’m quite the opposite.

Also cracking a lot of jokes that you THINK are funny, when in reality it probably isn’t….but lets face it, you are KIND of funny.

Right?

This is me at 21.

Remembering the multiple times you have been told by various of different people throughout your entire young life, that you are going to be doing great things in life.

That you’re different.

That you are going to go far, kid.

That your eyes says it all.

Yet, wondering what the hell these people were talking about because its been 21 years and yet here i am, in my average little bedroom writing silly little blog posts about who you are at 21 years old.

Maybe people just say that as an encouragement strategy to young people?

I don’t know. I always had a little tug inside me telling me that they were right. That one day you WILL do great things.

This is me at 21.

But who even am i, right?

 

☮️

Bad Luck Betty

Is it just me or May really a shitty month? Like what on earth have i done to deserve SUCH HORRENDOUS LUCK?! Not even just May, the past at least 3 weeks have been pretty unlucky for me. I’ve gotten 2 tickets, got my car towed, ruined a brand new shirt that i haven’t even worn once, money taken out of my account to pay for a subscription for Amazon Prime that was not mine, and a ridiculous amount of money taken out of my account for gas that never got put into my car. Have i mentioned I’ve been unemployed for the past month or so? Yeah, all this money coming out of me isn’t exactly ideal when you still have yet to start at your new job AND you have a vacation in a little less than a month.

I truly just don’t know what i have done to deserve such horrible luck all of a sudden! I’m just trying to live my life, you know? Peacefully and as gracefully as my small awkward body can allow me to. All these bumps in the road however are SORT OF MAKING IT HARD TO LIVE MY LIFE, SO IF THE HEAVENS ABOVE ME CAN JUST CHILL OUT FOR JUST ONE MINUTE THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

God.

Maybe this is all happening because i’ve been so stressed out with the end of school essentially here. My last final is this coming Monday and let me tell you, i have never been so unprepared for a final IN MY LIFE. What’s the final on you may ask? It’s for my history of comic book class– and i know what you’re thinking…how hard can that class be? Honestly, it’s not. It’s actually the easiest class i’ve ever taken, it’s almost laughable. What makes my life stressful for this final is that i have read everything for the class BUT the 4 actual physical books that were “needed” for the class. And i know what you’re thinking now too; what a fucking idiot. My response to you? Shut up, because i, 1.) don’t like comic books to begin with, 2.) I didn’t think those books would be so heavily involved in the final, and 3.) let me live my life the way i want to suffer in it because i’ll hopefully learn from this horrid mistake. Or just fail this final and end up getting, oh, i don’t know, maybe a C in that class. Which i mean isn’t bad, but it would sort of clash with my B’s and possible one A that i might get for the rest of my classes. Oh well, i guess that’s my fault, right?

Anyways, the point of this whole spiel is that i’ve been having super bad luck and i just don’t get why. Has anyone else experienced some type of bad luck within the past 3 weeks to a month or so? Is there some type of astronomical retrograde that i am not aware of? Because, quite frankly, i’m over this terrible bad luck spree i’ve been on. Can the ride be over? I need some good luck and good vibes coming my way now. Please? Thanks.

Sigh. Maybe this is just life telling me that it’s only going to get harder from here? Who ever said becoming an adult was going to be easy, right? I don’t know, but for fuck sake has the adult luck NOT been on my side lately. I hope that changes, even just a tiny bit.

Sorry about the complain-y rant/story i put upon here, but it’s sure made this blog post lengthy and full of content…right? Yeah, no. Probably wrong there too. I’m just gonna leave now lolololol

 

☮️

 

Morning rants about the higher Educational System

So it’s the 2nd of May, which means i’m almost done with school and i only have a week or so left of classes to attend. But just thinking about that fact alone makes it hard for me to be motivated to get to class and sit there through another mundane lecture. So here i am, in my local library writing this and complaining about the fact that the end of spring semesters are always hard because i just need my 4ish months of summer vacation to hit me in the face and let me run free of any educational responsibilities. God. This makes me look like i truly hate school. I mean….it’s not completely false.

The fact of the matter is that i do somewhat dislike school. But i don’t like school for reasons that you may think. I don’t like it for the fact that its very repetitive and depending on what classes i have chosen (or made to choose from because of the stupid fact that there are about a million general education requirements that many universities make you do) its just boring. Like for example, I’m taking this History of Comic Books since 1938….and that sounds cool, right? Absolutely wrong. It’s actually quite boring and it costs me to stay awake through that class. Another thing that i dislike about having to go to class is the way some people teach or lecture their class. Honestly i really don’t know how people manage to pass their MTELS and become a teacher because for the love of God, there are some people who just don’t even know where the hell they’re standing, let alone what’s even coming out of their mouth. Which is fine. I say some random shit. But the difference between me and them is that i am not a teaching professional nor will i ever be.

I’m not paying this place a fine penny for me to not be taught anything because some incompetent people don’t know how to teach. Its frustrating really. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me and maybe i’m just not cut out for long lectures. Then again, if i weren’t cut out for it i wouldn’t be here now would i? No, I wouldn’t. And that’s why i am here, because i DO in fact like being taught new things. I like to learn and shit and make use of my brain inside my head. I like to solve problems and write papers and all that dumb stuff most people find tedious or boring. I like school, i do. I just don’t like the professors who have the need to waste my time with their so called “teaching”, because honey, you have not taught me one single thing this entire semester.

What a waste of money.

But then again, i chose to be here.

Three years down, another two to go.

 

☮️

Thank God it’s 2017

So i was on my way to school this morning when i was taking a look back at 2016 and thanking God that 2017 so far has been immensely better. Now, I’m not saying that 2017 is better in a world view kind of way, because let’s be honest; the world isn’t doing so well right now given our political climate. However, 2017 has been better for me personally. I’m not going to go into too much detail but a lot of significant days last year (i.e major holidays, birthdays, etc) were not the best or ended up being some of the worst days of that year or one of the worst holidays, birthdays, etc, of them all. And after the year ended i told myself that i will try and make this year a lot better for myself. A year of self love i told myself and for right now, i believe that it is going smoothly and that i am loving myself a lot more than i was last year or any previous years.

I also seem to be having a lot more fun this year. Don’t get me wrong, i had a lot of fun in 2016 and i met a lot of people that were part of the reasons why i was having more fun than usual. But now knowing that those people that i met are in my life for hopefully a long time makes me excited and joyful to know what other kinds of fun we’re going to have this year. I also feel like those people truly helped me grow into my “true self”, whatever that means. I don’t know. I just feel a lot more at ease with who i am and what i believe in. I used to doubt a lot last year and be fearful of consequences, but now…i don’t know. I just feel more accepting of the consequences to certain actions. Maybe this is what it’s like to be an adult? Lol. Who knows really, because i’ve already made some stupid decisions already this year. But hey, at least i’m learning, right?

But yeah, i think i’m rambling on here now. What i was just trying to get across is that 2016 was a pretty shitty year in all aspects of life, personal for sure and of course world wide. But now almost 5 months into the new year, there definitely had been more ups than downs for me personally which i am currently enjoying. I’m embracing myself more, feeling more confident, and just loving myself like i told myself to do as my “new years resolution”. And i hope you, whoever you are reading this, is doing the same. Love yourself, dude. And if this year is harder than the last….well….try and make the rest of the year not as shitty as the last. I’m sure it’ll be hard but hey, we’re learning how to deal with life. We’re still young. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. So embrace yourself and your mistakes! Theres nothing more satisfying than looking back on a bad year and seeing yourself now and saying “Wow, i’m so glad i’m in a better place now.” So love yourself! Because let’s be honest, loving yourself is a whole lot more easier to do than to try and go back to the gym. AMIRITE?

☮️