How to Appreciate Art when it’s your Own

Hey peeps! It’s been a beautiful summer for me here where i am and i’ve caught up with a lot of things personally that i felt like i could share with you all.

First thing, I’ve decided to take better care of my body. Eat healthier foods, more veggies and fruits, less fatty things like pizza or Taco Bell (but all in moderation because i love both of those things). I’ve also been hitting the gym about 3 times a week for the past 2 months and a half and honestly i haven’t felt this good physically since probably high school when i was on the track team. Like, i can walk up 2-3 flights of stairs without getting out of breath? That’s a win in my book.

Another thing i’ve been doing a lot too is reading. I took a bit of a hiatus on books since the end of last year i started reading the Harry Potter series for the FIRST TIME (yeah i know, at 22 years old i’m very late on this trend) and i knocked out the first 3 books in about a month and a half. SO i guess you can say i burned myself out by reading so quickly. SO i picked up the 4th book about a few months ago and quickly finished that one and now im on the 5th book of the series and now it all makes sense as to why people always told me the books are much better than the movies. Because it’s true, they totally are. I used to read so much back in high school but since i started college 4 years ago it’s been hard for me to balance the readings for my classes and leisure reading. But i’ve gotten into a good pace with both at the moment so i’ve been enjoying that.

Now on to the main subject of this post; art.

A lot of you probably don’t know this about me but i love to draw. I can’t remember a time where i haven’t picked up a pencil and paper and just started to doodle. I’m my worst critic so i don’t think i’m that great but my friends and peers seem to think i’m very good at the work i do. Anyways, this isn’t the point, the point is, i actually haven’t drawn anything for….god, i don’t know. A long time. I’m going to say….nearly a year i was unable to draw something that made me happy and proud to have put on paper. I was on a serious artist block and rut. I felt almost embarrassed at my work because i would always look at it and think “it can be better”. And it’s true, it could be better, but anything in this world can be better. Nothing in life is perfect.

But you see, i’m very much a perfectionist and for something to be worthy of staying in my plethora of sketchbooks, it needs to be perfect. However after reevaluating what it meant for me to be, i guess you can say an artist, i decided i needed to push through that negativity of mine and push through that perfectionist mentality that i’ve always had about my art and just….do it. Like, for fucks sake, i had to just pick up that pencil and not stop until something filled the page. No matter if it was a beautiful portrait of a character i had concocted or if it were just a bunch of smaller doodles of little animals, mini characters, or objects. I just had to let go of everything to just let all this creativity spill out of me.

And as of 3 weeks ago, i did just that. I let everything that was bottled up inside me just leak out of every being in my hand and onto that paper. I picked up a new medium to create with and realized after 22 years (more like 18 since infants cant really draw haha) that i never had a medium that was mine. You know what i mean? Like there are people who are good at charcoal sketches, acrylic paintings, oil paintings, inking, all that kind of stuff. Although i have tried my hand on almost every single one of those mediums, i never felt good about any of them. That is, up until i picked up watercolors.

With watercolors i feel like every stroke i take, every blend i create, it all feels very natural. Although i try and dictate with my brush where to make certain colors appear and blend together, sometimes the water on the page takes the ink as if it has a mind of its own and i think that’s where i like watercolors the most. It takes some of the pressure that i have of trying to make something perfect, off of me and rely solely on how the water and paint behave. Water-coloring literally makes me be less of a perfectionist which is something that I’ve been trying to work on lately. So when i finish a piece and i look down at the the way the paint has moved when i brushed it a certain way and it moved a different way, it makes me feel….good. I feel happy with how it comes out because in a weird way, the not knowing if a blend will be exact or if a stroke will create a texture you want, makes me realize that sometimes things can be “perfect” by being “imperfect”. I don’t know man. This all got too deep for being art. But that’s just it i guess. Art is deep *insert shrug emoji*

I think what i’ve been trying to say this whole time is, if you’re an artist of any shape, way, or form, take a step back for a minute from your work and think about how you want to feel by the end of it. Realize that making a mistake is normal and that not every piece of art you produce will be worthy of showing off. Sometimes art is just about making it for you and you only. No one is forcing you to show off that piece of art you make. But if you do feel compelled to share it with the world, don’t feel embarrassed because maybe something went wonky in the process or maybe the way the lips, nose, or eyes look make the picture look lopsided.

It doesn’t really matter.

Feel proud of what you made because honey, that came out of YOU. You did that. You really did. And i think that’s what counts the most. It doesn’t matter if you’re a painter, sketcher, writer, make-up artist, dancer, whatever type of art you do, make, or perform, embrace it! Let every piece of creativity burst out of that beautiful mind of yours.

☮️

Advertisements

How to Navigate the World as a Person Who Feels Too Much and Too Hard

Emotional.

That’s what most people would say if you say that you are feeling too much. That you are too emotional and that you are too sensitive. Well, sure. Maybe you are just a little bit more sensitive than most people, but you don’t resonate with being emotional because it’s not like you’re crying or feeling some type of emotion all of the time. It is only at certain times and specific events in time that you go through that you experience these pure raw intense moments of emotion. My friends always say that i let things affect me too much. That i need to just relax and not be so emotional.

But thats the thing. I literally can’t.

For me, i love HARD. Love is an emotion that i most frequently feel hard with (wow there are a lot of weird sexual innuendos here and i promise i dont mean to over due it here but hard is the best word i got for the intensity of emotions right now lol). If i love you, whether it be as a friend, lover, family, dog/animal, whatever it may be, if i love, i will love you with literally my entire soul. My soul is in you (I’m SO SORRY. This all sounds so weird lol) But its true. Im a type of person who just loves hard. So i dont know about any of you reading this, but its hard to maneuver around life like this. Others just don’t really seem to get it and sometimes its definitely tough.

Like when someone you love says something slightly hurtful to you, because you love so hard, whatever comment it may be can hit you like a truck. Now, im not saying this for every single stupid mean comment that comes out of their mouth, it’s more for when they say something that you would have never expected them to say. So, depending on how much you love this person and how much they are apart of your life, something as small and stupid like a back handed compliment could either sting, or hurt like a pile of bricks. It makes you think sometimes; Do they feel this much? Do they get it? And of course you come to the realization that not everyone is like you. Not everyone will feel as much and as hardly as you do. And you realize that you are going to have to deal with it.

You’re going to have to live your life knowing that not everyone feels as deeply as you do. That not everyone quite literally wears their heart out on their sleeve. And that is PERFECTLY okay. You can deal with that. You just have to remind yourself every now and then that not everyone understands. Not everyone can understand how deeply you care about everything and everyone. That is just a part of life that you will get through. I know i have.

Its definitely been a long and (lol) hard journey, but im slowly starting to, not completely diminish the deep love i have for people, but just not let things that they say affect me so much where it gets me into a deep slump. There are going to be days where words might get me into a slump, but the next day i remind myself that it is okay and that i am still learning to deal with feeling so hard (okay i think we’re done with that phrase for today).

Not gonna lie, this was a little hard for me to write. I feel sort of vulnerable writing about how STRONG (and hard SORRY) i feel about things. How strongly i feel for people because at the end of the day, like i said, not everyone is the same way. So i do not want to be judged because of the way i feel things, its just who i am. There are other people out there i’m sure that feel just much as i do about things.

I don’t even know if any of this makes any sense but i hope it does for someone who is out there struggling with feeling too much and too hard. It’s been a hard few days and i needed to just get this out on (digital) paper. But paper nonetheless.

 

☮️

10 Hours Left

So you know those things that pop up on your Facebook telling you that you have “memories” to look back on? Well, i decided to look back on what todays “memories” on Facebook held for me and i came across those like…tag posts that i would write. You know what i’m talking about. The ones you’d find on the internet that just asks a bunch of questions that are related to the “theme” of said tag post and then you answer said questions. The theme of this particular tag post was essentially what i had experience in the year 2010. I was 14 years old in the year 2010 and its laughable to read back on the answers i had written down back then for some of the answers. Let’s just say that i was angsty and petty at things that probably weren’t even worth the time and emotion haha.

But looking back at that tag post, made me want to sort of look back at this year, for all the good–which was about like 15% of the year–and the bad, which actually took up the other 85% of my year. Okay, maybe i’m being a little over dramatic about 85% of my year being bad….but it was a pretty shit year okay? So let me live my life.

And in true nostalgic fashion, i’m just going to list down all my goods, bads, and firsts, i experienced this year with a few bits that i’ll touch upon a bit more in depth, that i felt really stood out for me this year. Does that make sense? No. Well it’s fine. You’ll figure it out as you go. Okay, well. Here goes nothing:

#1: Got into my first ever car accident this year which sucked. Sucked even more since it was on my boyfriends birthday. Sorry boo.

#2: Got high for the first time and a couple of other times throughout this year. It’s fucking weird, i’ll say that.

#3: Had a real shitty beginning of the new year in every single shape, way, or form that you could possibly think of. No, i’m not being dramatic with this.

#4: In this year alone I’ve had 3 different jobs. This doesn’t sound like a negative but to me it is. 3 is a lot, fam.

#5: I met some pretty dope people this year and got close to a good handful of them.

#6: Also of those people, I’ve lose touch with a few of them which sucks but it’s okay because that’s how life goes.

#7: Literally attended a party that celebrated the fact that me and other coworkers left a toxic work environment. It was hysterical.

#8: At said party, because it was still early in the year and i was still trying to control the emotions i was having because of how shit my life was going in the new year, i got belligerently drunk–somewhat on accident and somewhat not–that i blacked out and can barely remember how i ended up on my friends couch.

#9: That same night that i was belligerently drunk, i ended up vomiting in an Uber costing one of my friends $175 worth of an Uber ride and another friend her actual fucking back pack. I’m telling you guys, i was a FUCKING MESS THE FIRST 5 MONTHS OF THE YEAR. SOZ.

#10: In the span of about 2-3 months, i got 5 parking tickets all above $50 and got towed around 3-4 times. Before this year i had NEVER gotten any form of ticket IN MY LIFE.

Have I told you guys how much of a mess i was? Oh wait.

#11: In that span of 2-3 months getting tickets and getting towed. I didn’t have a job, so i was essentially using up all of my savings to pay off all the stupid tickets that i was getting. Bad Luck Betty if i’ve ever seen one.

Okay let’s start getting a BIT more positive now, huh? It’s getting depressing af in here;

#12: This year was the year i finally told myself that i need to love my body for what it is. I have always had body image issues growing up and it’s mostly because of family members telling me what i should and should not look like. And this year i was fed up with those comments, so i told myself that i need to block out the motherfucking haters and to just love myself. If i want to eat Taco Bell, i am. If i want to eat a salad with Quinoa rice, i am. This is the first time in my entire life that i can look in the mirror and be genuinely happy with what i see, regardless of what i look like. Do i have abs? No. Am i size 2? No. Am i 120 pounds? Absolutely not, but to me i feel and look great and honestly that’s all that matters and i’m sad to think that i’ve gone 21 years of my life hating my body. But it’s all okay because what matters is that i do finally love my body for what it is and what it looks like.

#13: I’ve had a lot of self-discovery this year too. I figured out who i am, what that means, and SORT OF where the fuck i want to go. i use the term sort of VERY loosely. Just like the rest of you, there is still uncertainty on what i want to do for the rest of my life.

#14: I don’t care what other people think of me as much as i used to. I’m a type of person that feels A LOT. And by feel, i mean i experience things a lot more deeply than the average person. Things affect me much more than it might affect someone else. I think about things more than what i should and think about the consequences and effects it’ll have on me and other people which thinking about it now–its’s exhausting to do all the fucking time. So, this year I kind of relaxed with caring so much about what people think and say about me. I didn’t let it affect me as much as i would have used to let it affect me. Now, don’t get me wrong, it was super hard for me to let go of what people said or comments people would have about things regarding myself or the people surrounding me but i did it. It’s hard and I’m still actually trying to learn not to care as much about what people think, but comparing myself now to what i used to be, I’m in a way better place now. A lot more positive. I don’t want to let go the part of me that feels a lot. I think that separates me from most people and it makes me who i am as a person, but i am glad that i am learning to just separate the things that truly don’t matter and the things that actually do matter.

#15: I’m part of a friends non-profit organization. I’m going to be designing T-shirts and be the creative and artistic side of the non-profit, which i am very excited about because it gives me an outlet to channel my art and my creative ideas. Check out his non profit here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/732680406913083/about/

#16: I went on a great vacation in the summer to Florida with my boyfriend. It was fun, relaxing, and everything that i needed to fucking RELAX from the messed up first few months of the year i had.

#17: Maybe it’s just me, but i’ve definitely gotten closer to my two best friends this year too which is nice because i wouldn’t want to have experienced this year without them. They were a crucial part for me in all the good thats happened this year. Thanks y’all.

#18: My boyfriend and I celebrated 5 years of being together and honestly that’s a fucking milestone in itself in this day and age of dating and relationships so I’m very happy that i get to call him my partner in everything.

#19: I started to bake a lot more this year which i’ve realized might be a passion of mine. I am always so incredibly happy and content when i bake. I love the process of making baked goods and seeing the final results when they come out of the oven. I love the accomplishment that i feel knowing that the things i make from scratch look AND taste amazing.

#20: I created this blog this year too. Creating a blog has also been another dream of mine. As silly and millenial-esque as that sounds, it’s true. I’ve also learned that i love to write. Mostly about everyday things that people can HOPEFULLY somewhat relate to. I think this blog has been a great outlet for me to express my feelings on certain things, my frustrations, and overall just my wild thoughts that roam around in my head on a daily basis. Now, to be fair i did leave for a solid couple of months this year, leaving my blog a little dusty and rusty, but i do promise in the new year there will be more content from me and on here. I want this to be a place i go to more frequently rather than a place to sort of just come to every once in a while. It’s sort of like a really public diary. Except….i don’t want this shit to be a diary. What am i, 12? All jokes aside though, I do have some cool and interesting blog posts planned out for this new year coming. One of them being an interesting project that will involve many people within my community. Once I’ve figured out the kinks in it, it should be posted on here in 1-2 months time. But between now and then, don’t worry, there WILL be other shit to follow and read on. I PROMISE.

Okay and i think I’m going to leave this shit at #20. 20 feels like a pretty solid number to end on and i feel like there was a pretty good mixture of both my good and bad of 2017. So that was my year of 2017. I don’t usually ask questions at the end of my posts, but to anyone reading and willing to answer: How did your 2017 end up being? Was there good? Was there bad? Was there more of one than the other? Can we all just agree that this year was one hunk of flaming shit?

I don’t know man. I’m just ready to kick this new year off and start a fresh new chapter of this so called life we live in.

Is that so much for a girl to ask for?

☮️

 

The Feeling of “I don’t care”

You ever over done something so much that you literally just don’t care about doing it anymore? Yeah, thats me right now. I’m sure you yourself have felt this feeling a lot of times in the duration of your life span so far. Maybe you’ve over worked yourself for that bomb ass promotion only to be rewarded with nothing, especially not that promotion you worked so hard for. So you sort of just don’t care any more.

You don’t care about the work you’re putting into whatever you’re doing because you’ve tried so hard and maybe haven’t felt the satisfaction you were looking for. Or maybe you’re just bored of the work you’re doing because it is becoming so repetitive in nature that you aren’t inspired by it anymore, or you aren’t learning anything new to help you keep going. So you just DON’T care.

Which is awful in all retrospects of the word. Awful because you’re giving up what little hope you might have had for this drive you initially had for this thing you were doing. Whether that be homework, work to get a promotion, or just the over all impending work that you need to do in order to graduate from college.

Because that’s where i’m at right now, if we’re being honest.

Now i might be sounding a little over dramatic, and to be fair, i am being quite dramatic.

But still, I’ve been in college for 4 years now, I’m on my 4th year and that usually means people are getting ready to graduate. WRONG. So, so, SO, very, WRONG. You see, my story goes like this:

I picked a school i liked, got there. Wasn’t exactly blown away by it as i was the time i had toured the campus. Started classes, they were alright. Figured out i was one of only 4 students on a what….2,000+ student population on campus who is studying what i am studying. Mind you, I’m studying Sociology which is a pretty normal thing to be studying at a liberal arts school. So when i learned that i was only 1 of 4 students, i was fucking blown away and almost annoyed because we werent’ getting the right help and attention we needed to be guided in the right direction for our majors.

Fast forward a year of being there, I transfer over to a new school thats in the city that is already 1000% times better for me in regards to my major…aaaaaand i learn that i pretty much have to start from scratch AGAIN. So here i was, redoing my freshman year of college because for some reason the classes i took at the previous school were essentailly irrelevant for the school i had transferred to.

And so here we are. The present. 4 years after my initial start of college and still considered a “junior” because of the amount of credits i am currently holding. And honestly, it fucking sucks. Sucks knowing that i could have been done in a couple of months yet I am still having to take a shit load of useless classes that are 100% completely useless for my major. So yeah. I really don’t care anymore. I don’t care because i have done so much work and it sucks seeing a lot of people you went to high school who’ve already graduated or getting ready to graduate and you’re pretty much left behind because of something that you picked wrong for yourself.

I don’t care and it’s sad.

Sad because it disheartens me to even keep going. Dropping out is starting to look more and more shiny to me every day with the more i stop caring. But i know i dont want to do that. I dont want to drop out because i feel like ive worked so hard only to have been dealt another year of pain staking useless work just to get a piece of paper that says “I’m educated, hire me” but then, not to get hired any where because the economy and world we live in is so horribly toxic for my generation to even try and get a decent job that can pay the astoundingly over priced apartments that are in any city and—-BREATHE.

You’re going off tangent.

Sorry. The weight of the world just dropped on this keyboard. I don’t want to get to deep because this isn’t what this is about…heh.

Essentially, I’m bored of doing the same things, taking almost the exact same classes that do no good for my major just because some higher institution thinks i will benefit from a class that talks about tourism in the United States…wut fun. I just don’t care and it sucks because i have to.

Can graduation come any quicker? Oh wait.

It can’t because that ain’t till Spring of 2019, babe. *eye rolls the fuck away from my laptop*

☮️

It’s been a hot second. Scorching even.

WOW. Hi guys. To repeat whats on the title above, its been a damn hot second since i’ve written anything on this poor, poor dusty old blog. No, seriously. It’s super dusty in here, im currently dusting off my mantle as we speak.

Lol JK. That was a bad joke. I’m not really in some other dimension that involves me physically being inside of my website. Although, thinking about it that would be a pretty dope idea. Very Fairly Odd Parents episode-esque.

Anyways, i do want to apologize about not posting in like what…6 months or something like that? This year has truly been a trip for me. I think in a very earlier post of mine i talked about how much this year has been different for me and all of the many bad choices and actions i’ve been up to. You can go read that somewhere, I’d give you the link but quite frankly i can’t remember which post that’s on. But yeah, other than the rollercoaster ride of bad decisions that i did the first few beginning months of the year, I’ve also been trying to figure myself out. Who i am and where im going, shit like that, ya know?

I guess it took me 21 years of living my life to really understand who i am and where the fuck im trying to go. I know im being super vague here but i dont want to get into that just now. Maybe sometime in the future or maybe you’ll just figure it out–who knows. But yeah. This year…has really just fucking sucked. I mean, once i finally came to terms with myself and just like, life and this year, i guess it sucked a little less. But fuck sake man…THIS YEAR HAS BEEN FULL OF EVERYTHING AMIRITE?!

Like it’s almost the end of the year and im looking back at everything that’s damn happened this year and…wow. What a damn ride. I legit had my seat belt on and everything thats how wild this years been. I was holding on for dear life and not giving a fuck what really happened. Which, i guess for some people is actually a good way to grow up. You kind of just hold on to your life and hope for the best. Geez. That sounds a little dark. I promise i didnt mean it to be as dark as it sounded.

—-okay side note, while i’m writing this there’s this guy sitting an aisle next to me in the library and for the love of god–he is chewing his food and SWALLOWING IT SO FRUSTRATINGLY LOUD I WANT TO THROW A BOOK AT HIS FACE.

Okay back to the relevance of this post. Essentially what i’m trying to say is that, i haven’t been writing on here because i was pretty much in the middle of trying to figure out who i am, what that means, and what are my next steps to better myself and my future. I guess the whole notion of me being an adult has hit me full frontal and i just want to be as prepared as possible so i can handle whats out there for me next. Especially in the disastrous world that we are so unfortunately living in now…whoops. Did i say that out loud? I frankly don’t care. It’s the truth. Another reason i wasn’t writing was because i also was in between jobs this entire year. I had 3 separate jobs at different times of the year, and two in which i absolutely hated by the end. Between these three separate jobs i also had at least 1-3 months of unemployment which really took a blow on me and my wallet which also didn’t make me feel good as a person because i felt even more in a rut. So there was no real inspiration for me to write because my life in the past 8 to 9 months was truly just a mess and i was pretty much all over the place, literally. So writing was very last thing on my mind.

However, now im in a much more happier place with my current job and overall where i’m at in life. So my creative juices and inspriation is having more of a kick now that im happy with myself and where im at in life. I’ve experienced a lot of interesting and new things that i want to share with anyone who is willing to read it and have a good laugh. So i’m ready to dust off this cute little site of mine and really get back to work with what i want this all to be. A space where i can just express myself and my life to a bunch of strangers (or distant friends, if i decide to post this on facebook. Lol hi, y’all) and just let loose. I want to be heard, even if its by a bunch of strangers.

I have a voice and after figuring my shit out, i think that my future looks bright when i decide to speak up and say something about…well….anything. Writing is my thing and i don’t ever want to give up on it like i did these past couple of months. Ew. This little ending got a little to deep, personal, and way too sentimental. It almost sounds like a Grey’s Anatomy ending. Whoops. Now let me fix that:

I’M BACK Y’ALL WUT UP?! LET’S GET RIGHT BACK TO IT FAM.

☮️

One is the Loneliest Number

So far this summer I have had more than enough days to myself and away from work to make me realize how much i still hate being an only child. I’m usually home alone most of my days until my parents get home but even when they get home, they’re not exactly on the top of my list of people i prefer to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, i’m sure there are only children who love spending time with their parents and family, I for one am just not one of them. I have had to hang out with them for the past 21 years of my life because they are the only other people who live with me and i have had to hangout with the rest of my family as well and for the most part, they are all old (no offense y’all). So there is no real connection to be had having a conversation with a bunch of 50+ year olds.

Im straying off from what i wanted to talk about.

What i was trying to say was just that; all of these days alone at home, doing nothing has really gotten to me. It’s made me feel very, very, lonely (listen to Chance the Rapper’s song that i just linked, i promise its everything you thought it was and more). And all of this loneliness has got me thinking how i have sort of always been this way and how i always usually feel bad for my friends every time i call them up to hangout with me. I feel like a burden.

Like an annoying younger sister that always tugs on your shirt to hangout because i’m feeling sad and lonely and no one is paying attention to me. That’s pretty much how i feel some of the times when i’m caught in these feelings of loneliness, like an annoying, needy child. But can you blame me? When you live your life alone with no one else to share your life with and no one else to share your secrets with (obviously i have friends but i’m talking about this in a sibling sense, so go with it, okay?) it’s hard to ever wanting to stay alone.

People always think that we have it great in more than one way, being an only child that is. That growing up we were spoiled rotten, we got all of the attention, we never had to share things with siblings, you always had peace and quiet. Well, for starters not all of that is true for every single person who grew up as an only child.

  • I was never spoiled growing up. We were poor af. There are some kids though that are disgustingly spoiled and trust me, i’ve met a few in my time and they are NOT great folk.
  • Sure, i got SOME attention. However i have an enormous family and i am that awkward middle child of the ENTIRE family amongst children. At least 100 of my cousins are older than me and at least 100 of my cousins are younger than me. Not one of them is my age.
  • You’re right, i never had to share shit. Yet that never stopped me from sharing things in school, the playground, or even till this day. Except for fries…or food. Im super stingy sharing food if it’s mine. Sorry not sorry.
  • You’re right again, i did always have peace and quiet, but did i ever like it? No. Absolutely not.

So you see, there are some perks and some not so perks to be had by being an only child. However, depending on how you were raised, your environment, and just overall how you felt about being an only child is what i am assuming shapes you to how you really feel about being one.

Since essentially my experience with being an only child was almost always feeling lonely or not heard (because of the whole weird middle child affect that i had because of my massive family) i always felt like i had no one to connect to. By connect i mean connection that you would have with a sibling.

I yearn for what that feels like. Sure, friends and best friends can have that feeling of what siblings would have. But i always just feel like it’s different. I mean, duh, of course its different but you know what i mean. Of course i love my friends dearly and i see my two best friends as sisters but, i will NEVER know, no matter how hard i love them, what it’s truly like to be connected to them by blood as a “true” sister.

Yeah sure, sometimes it doesn’t take blood to feel that connection and i get that–i do, but i dont know. I guess i just always wished for someone to be connected to forever in a sense. I guess this is just really hard to explain unless you’ve gone through this yourself.

I’ve just really fucking felt lonely lately, okay? Let me live my life. I’m just venting at this point. Being an only child sucks. To me anyways. It has never really been enjoyable to quite literally come into this world alone.

Hey, at least i have my dog and i damn love her to death.

☮️

Longing to Leave

I’m pretty sure i’ve said this in a previous post about me learning to stop comparing my life to those of my friends, but for the love of God is that hard. So let me start off by saying sorry about the constant repetitiveness of my blog posts, but i’m struggling with this feeling a lot lately. So bear with me.

Lately i’ve really been yearning to leave this place and by place i mean this city. I am just so tired of this city, i’ve been here my whole goddamn life. I look around and there is nothing for me to look at anymore, i look around and i just feel bored and distant, like i don’t belong here anymore. As if my time here in this city is up. I know that sounds so morbid but it’s true. I feel empty in this city nowadays. Which makes me feel horrible because i don’t want my friends to think its them or that i want to leave them–trust me i don’t which is why i have been struggling with this whole feeling, i don’t want to leave my friends or family.

But when i look at all of my other friends who have come from all different parts of this country and see them thriving and loving this city so much, i feel like i can also have that if i were to leave this place. I feel like maybe home for me now is someplace else other than Boston (oh look a random fun fact for new readers! Don’t get the joke? Read my very first blog post to have a good chuckle). I don’t know man. Again, there is another part of me that feels almost guilty of feeling this way because i should be grateful for living and growing up in such a big and thriving city where there is so much work and so much opportunities. I feel almost like an ungrateful inner city kids.

I shouldn’t feel that way though. I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to leave should i? No. I don’t think so….I mean, look at all the other people in the world that leave their home town or city and completely move to a new and unknown place. They’re doing great, I’m sure. I also just feel like I’m missing out somehow on not leaving Boston and finding a new place to call home even if for a little while. I feel like that’s an adventure in itself and that i would be able to even figure myself more if i were to pick up and move to a completely different place. I dont know man. Maybe I’m just over thinking this.

Or maybe I’m not. I just want to get out of here man. Meet new people, enjoy new sights, sounds, and smells. Enjoy the colorful buzz of a bustling new and unexplored city. I’m just yearning to leave this place, it’s home…but it’s also not at the same time. I wish i could explain this feeling but that’s the best i can do right now. I need a new place to love and call home…is that so much to want and ask for?

Maybe.

I don’t know.

☮️

 

 

**just so i don’t get told off–i do not own the picture that was featured for this post, i found it off google. All rights to the OG artist**