One is the Loneliest Number

So far this summer I have had more than enough days to myself and away from work to make me realize how much i still hate being an only child. I’m usually home alone most of my days until my parents get home but even when they get home, they’re not exactly on the top of my list of people i prefer to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, i’m sure there are only children who love spending time with their parents and family, I for one am just not one of them. I have had to hang out with them for the past 21 years of my life because they are the only other people who live with me and i have had to hangout with the rest of my family as well and for the most part, they are all old (no offense y’all). So there is no real connection to be had having a conversation with a bunch of 50+ year olds.

Im straying off from what i wanted to talk about.

What i was trying to say was just that; all of these days alone at home, doing nothing has really gotten to me. It’s made me feel very, very, lonely (listen to Chance the Rapper’s song that i just linked, i promise its everything you thought it was and more). And all of this loneliness has got me thinking how i have sort of always been this way and how i always usually feel bad for my friends every time i call them up to hangout with me. I feel like a burden.

Like an annoying younger sister that always tugs on your shirt to hangout because i’m feeling sad and lonely and no one is paying attention to me. That’s pretty much how i feel some of the times when i’m caught in these feelings of loneliness, like an annoying, needy child. But can you blame me? When you live your life alone with no one else to share your life with and no one else to share your secrets with (obviously i have friends but i’m talking about this in a sibling sense, so go with it, okay?) it’s hard to ever wanting to stay alone.

People always think that we have it great in more than one way, being an only child that is. That growing up we were spoiled rotten, we got all of the attention, we never had to share things with siblings, you always had peace and quiet. Well, for starters not all of that is true for every single person who grew up as an only child.

  • I was never spoiled growing up. We were poor af. There are some kids though that are disgustingly spoiled and trust me, i’ve met a few in my time and they are NOT great folk.
  • Sure, i got SOME attention. However i have an enormous family and i am that awkward middle child of the ENTIRE family amongst children. At least 100 of my cousins are older than me and at least 100 of my cousins are younger than me. Not one of them is my age.
  • You’re right, i never had to share shit. Yet that never stopped me from sharing things in school, the playground, or even till this day. Except for fries…or food. Im super stingy sharing food if it’s mine. Sorry not sorry.
  • You’re right again, i did always have peace and quiet, but did i ever like it? No. Absolutely not.

So you see, there are some perks and some not so perks to be had by being an only child. However, depending on how you were raised, your environment, and just overall how you felt about being an only child is what i am assuming shapes you to how you really feel about being one.

Since essentially my experience with being an only child was almost always feeling lonely or not heard (because of the whole weird middle child affect that i had because of my massive family) i always felt like i had no one to connect to. By connect i mean connection that you would have with a sibling.

I yearn for what that feels like. Sure, friends and best friends can have that feeling of what siblings would have. But i always just feel like it’s different. I mean, duh, of course its different but you know what i mean. Of course i love my friends dearly and i see my two best friends as sisters but, i will NEVER know, no matter how hard i love them, what it’s truly like to be connected to them by blood as a “true” sister.

Yeah sure, sometimes it doesn’t take blood to feel that connection and i get that–i do, but i dont know. I guess i just always wished for someone to be connected to forever in a sense. I guess this is just really hard to explain unless you’ve gone through this yourself.

I’ve just really fucking felt lonely lately, okay? Let me live my life. I’m just venting at this point. Being an only child sucks. To me anyways. It has never really been enjoyable to quite literally come into this world alone.

Hey, at least i have my dog and i damn love her to death.

☮️

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One thought on “One is the Loneliest Number

  1. I know what you mean. I am an only child too and I wish I had that sibling-ish bond to share with a blood related sibling and not just a friend masquerading as a sibling. How weird is this comment? Nevermind. Keep writing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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