Longing to Leave

I’m pretty sure i’ve said this in a previous post about me learning to stop comparing my life to those of my friends, but for the love of God is that hard. So let me start off by saying sorry about the constant repetitiveness of my blog posts, but i’m struggling with this feeling a lot lately. So bear with me.

Lately i’ve really been yearning to leave this place and by place i mean this city. I am just so tired of this city, i’ve been here my whole goddamn life. I look around and there is nothing for me to look at anymore, i look around and i just feel bored and distant, like i don’t belong here anymore. As if my time here in this city is up. I know that sounds so morbid but it’s true. I feel empty in this city nowadays. Which makes me feel horrible because i don’t want my friends to think its them or that i want to leave them–trust me i don’t which is why i have been struggling with this whole feeling, i don’t want to leave my friends or family.

But when i look at all of my other friends who have come from all different parts of this country and see them thriving and loving this city so much, i feel like i can also have that if i were to leave this place. I feel like maybe home for me now is someplace else other than Boston (oh look a random fun fact for new readers! Don’t get the joke? Read my very first blog post to have a good chuckle). I don’t know man. Again, there is another part of me that feels almost guilty of feeling this way because i should be grateful for living and growing up in such a big and thriving city where there is so much work and so much opportunities. I feel almost like an ungrateful inner city kids.

I shouldn’t feel that way though. I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to leave should i? No. I don’t think so….I mean, look at all the other people in the world that leave their home town or city and completely move to a new and unknown place. They’re doing great, I’m sure. I also just feel like I’m missing out somehow on not leaving Boston and finding a new place to call home even if for a little while. I feel like that’s an adventure in itself and that i would be able to even figure myself more if i were to pick up and move to a completely different place. I dont know man. Maybe I’m just over thinking this.

Or maybe I’m not. I just want to get out of here man. Meet new people, enjoy new sights, sounds, and smells. Enjoy the colorful buzz of a bustling new and unexplored city. I’m just yearning to leave this place, it’s home…but it’s also not at the same time. I wish i could explain this feeling but that’s the best i can do right now. I need a new place to love and call home…is that so much to want and ask for?

Maybe.

I don’t know.

☮️

 

 

**just so i don’t get told off–i do not own the picture that was featured for this post, i found it off google. All rights to the OG artist**

 

Me at 21

This is me at 21.

 

Writing this at a late hour of the night because i am realizing that i have neglected my cute little blog that i decided to make for myself in hopes of channeling my creativity through a public outlet.

With my hair tied up in a messy bun and Adidas shorts in my wrinkled bed sheets that i decided not to make this morning and with a fully read copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on my nightstand because i keep forgetting to put it in my bookshelf.

This is me at 21.

Still unsure of what my future will hold and what exactly my aspirations are.

Which makes everything seem just THAT much more scary than what it has to be, but i also keep telling myself that everyone feels that way. However for some reason i keep thinking that i am the only one on the face of the planet that feels that way nonetheless.

Scared that i’m going to be still working retail in a possible 5 years time and that i still wont know what i want to do with myself and with my life.

Also scared that my parents wont appreciate all the hard work and effort that i’ve put into school and work and trying to find a decent job in the field im studying because all they see for right now is a silly little girl working a silly little retail job–which in their eyes “isn’t a real job”. Whatever that means.

This is me at 21.

With some pretty fucking amazing friends. 2 in which i’ve known for about 13 years now and just so grateful they’ve stuck around even though we’ve had some years we’ve been distant. And for the other amazing bunch whom i’ve only met as of last year and hope to god these amazing, beautiful, and hilarious people get to stay in my life as long as possible because i am just so grateful to have met every single one of you when i did.

I also have a matching fucking amazing boyfriend too. Who loves me unconditionally even when i act stupid and a bit too over-dramatic over the littlest of things. Who i’ve spent the last 4 years laughing, joking, and getting into very strange situations in the fridge department of a JC Penny with. God, you are truly something else and i adore everything there is about your human.

With so much love in my body that i never think people feel it as much as i give it.

This is me at 21.

Wanting so bad to be a “real” adult and to move out as soon as i can, because seeing all your other friends in their own apartment makes you feel a little self conscious that you’re still living with your parents.

But then telling yourself it’s fine and that everything is fine because everyone has their own path in life and things will happen when they happen for you.

But you’re also hoping you’re not going to be moving out at 30 years old because you rather not be living a depressing life.

This is me at 21.

As sarcastic as i think i’ve ever been to the point where i think i have to reevaluate myself because some people might take it the wrong way and think im rude.

For the record, me at 21 is not rude. I’m quite the opposite.

Also cracking a lot of jokes that you THINK are funny, when in reality it probably isn’t….but lets face it, you are KIND of funny.

Right?

This is me at 21.

Remembering the multiple times you have been told by various of different people throughout your entire young life, that you are going to be doing great things in life.

That you’re different.

That you are going to go far, kid.

That your eyes says it all.

Yet, wondering what the hell these people were talking about because its been 21 years and yet here i am, in my average little bedroom writing silly little blog posts about who you are at 21 years old.

Maybe people just say that as an encouragement strategy to young people?

I don’t know. I always had a little tug inside me telling me that they were right. That one day you WILL do great things.

This is me at 21.

But who even am i, right?

 

☮️

Bad Luck Betty

Is it just me or May really a shitty month? Like what on earth have i done to deserve SUCH HORRENDOUS LUCK?! Not even just May, the past at least 3 weeks have been pretty unlucky for me. I’ve gotten 2 tickets, got my car towed, ruined a brand new shirt that i haven’t even worn once, money taken out of my account to pay for a subscription for Amazon Prime that was not mine, and a ridiculous amount of money taken out of my account for gas that never got put into my car. Have i mentioned I’ve been unemployed for the past month or so? Yeah, all this money coming out of me isn’t exactly ideal when you still have yet to start at your new job AND you have a vacation in a little less than a month.

I truly just don’t know what i have done to deserve such horrible luck all of a sudden! I’m just trying to live my life, you know? Peacefully and as gracefully as my small awkward body can allow me to. All these bumps in the road however are SORT OF MAKING IT HARD TO LIVE MY LIFE, SO IF THE HEAVENS ABOVE ME CAN JUST CHILL OUT FOR JUST ONE MINUTE THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

God.

Maybe this is all happening because i’ve been so stressed out with the end of school essentially here. My last final is this coming Monday and let me tell you, i have never been so unprepared for a final IN MY LIFE. What’s the final on you may ask? It’s for my history of comic book class– and i know what you’re thinking…how hard can that class be? Honestly, it’s not. It’s actually the easiest class i’ve ever taken, it’s almost laughable. What makes my life stressful for this final is that i have read everything for the class BUT the 4 actual physical books that were “needed” for the class. And i know what you’re thinking now too; what a fucking idiot. My response to you? Shut up, because i, 1.) don’t like comic books to begin with, 2.) I didn’t think those books would be so heavily involved in the final, and 3.) let me live my life the way i want to suffer in it because i’ll hopefully learn from this horrid mistake. Or just fail this final and end up getting, oh, i don’t know, maybe a C in that class. Which i mean isn’t bad, but it would sort of clash with my B’s and possible one A that i might get for the rest of my classes. Oh well, i guess that’s my fault, right?

Anyways, the point of this whole spiel is that i’ve been having super bad luck and i just don’t get why. Has anyone else experienced some type of bad luck within the past 3 weeks to a month or so? Is there some type of astronomical retrograde that i am not aware of? Because, quite frankly, i’m over this terrible bad luck spree i’ve been on. Can the ride be over? I need some good luck and good vibes coming my way now. Please? Thanks.

Sigh. Maybe this is just life telling me that it’s only going to get harder from here? Who ever said becoming an adult was going to be easy, right? I don’t know, but for fuck sake has the adult luck NOT been on my side lately. I hope that changes, even just a tiny bit.

Sorry about the complain-y rant/story i put upon here, but it’s sure made this blog post lengthy and full of content…right? Yeah, no. Probably wrong there too. I’m just gonna leave now lolololol

 

☮️

 

Morning rants about the higher Educational System

So it’s the 2nd of May, which means i’m almost done with school and i only have a week or so left of classes to attend. But just thinking about that fact alone makes it hard for me to be motivated to get to class and sit there through another mundane lecture. So here i am, in my local library writing this and complaining about the fact that the end of spring semesters are always hard because i just need my 4ish months of summer vacation to hit me in the face and let me run free of any educational responsibilities. God. This makes me look like i truly hate school. I mean….it’s not completely false.

The fact of the matter is that i do somewhat dislike school. But i don’t like school for reasons that you may think. I don’t like it for the fact that its very repetitive and depending on what classes i have chosen (or made to choose from because of the stupid fact that there are about a million general education requirements that many universities make you do) its just boring. Like for example, I’m taking this History of Comic Books since 1938….and that sounds cool, right? Absolutely wrong. It’s actually quite boring and it costs me to stay awake through that class. Another thing that i dislike about having to go to class is the way some people teach or lecture their class. Honestly i really don’t know how people manage to pass their MTELS and become a teacher because for the love of God, there are some people who just don’t even know where the hell they’re standing, let alone what’s even coming out of their mouth. Which is fine. I say some random shit. But the difference between me and them is that i am not a teaching professional nor will i ever be.

I’m not paying this place a fine penny for me to not be taught anything because some incompetent people don’t know how to teach. Its frustrating really. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me and maybe i’m just not cut out for long lectures. Then again, if i weren’t cut out for it i wouldn’t be here now would i? No, I wouldn’t. And that’s why i am here, because i DO in fact like being taught new things. I like to learn and shit and make use of my brain inside my head. I like to solve problems and write papers and all that dumb stuff most people find tedious or boring. I like school, i do. I just don’t like the professors who have the need to waste my time with their so called “teaching”, because honey, you have not taught me one single thing this entire semester.

What a waste of money.

But then again, i chose to be here.

Three years down, another two to go.

 

☮️

Thank God it’s 2017

So i was on my way to school this morning when i was taking a look back at 2016 and thanking God that 2017 so far has been immensely better. Now, I’m not saying that 2017 is better in a world view kind of way, because let’s be honest; the world isn’t doing so well right now given our political climate. However, 2017 has been better for me personally. I’m not going to go into too much detail but a lot of significant days last year (i.e major holidays, birthdays, etc) were not the best or ended up being some of the worst days of that year or one of the worst holidays, birthdays, etc, of them all. And after the year ended i told myself that i will try and make this year a lot better for myself. A year of self love i told myself and for right now, i believe that it is going smoothly and that i am loving myself a lot more than i was last year or any previous years.

I also seem to be having a lot more fun this year. Don’t get me wrong, i had a lot of fun in 2016 and i met a lot of people that were part of the reasons why i was having more fun than usual. But now knowing that those people that i met are in my life for hopefully a long time makes me excited and joyful to know what other kinds of fun we’re going to have this year. I also feel like those people truly helped me grow into my “true self”, whatever that means. I don’t know. I just feel a lot more at ease with who i am and what i believe in. I used to doubt a lot last year and be fearful of consequences, but now…i don’t know. I just feel more accepting of the consequences to certain actions. Maybe this is what it’s like to be an adult? Lol. Who knows really, because i’ve already made some stupid decisions already this year. But hey, at least i’m learning, right?

But yeah, i think i’m rambling on here now. What i was just trying to get across is that 2016 was a pretty shitty year in all aspects of life, personal for sure and of course world wide. But now almost 5 months into the new year, there definitely had been more ups than downs for me personally which i am currently enjoying. I’m embracing myself more, feeling more confident, and just loving myself like i told myself to do as my “new years resolution”. And i hope you, whoever you are reading this, is doing the same. Love yourself, dude. And if this year is harder than the last….well….try and make the rest of the year not as shitty as the last. I’m sure it’ll be hard but hey, we’re learning how to deal with life. We’re still young. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them. So embrace yourself and your mistakes! Theres nothing more satisfying than looking back on a bad year and seeing yourself now and saying “Wow, i’m so glad i’m in a better place now.” So love yourself! Because let’s be honest, loving yourself is a whole lot more easier to do than to try and go back to the gym. AMIRITE?

☮️

Creative Energies and Writers Block

Okay, so i’ve been on a bit of a writers block this week. It really damn sucks when i feel a big blank and i can’t think of anything to write about. Even before i created this blog, i was writing in my little journal that i had or just conjuring up thoughts in my heads and creating things out of thin air and even then i would come across a lot of writers block. I wonder why this all is. Am i not being creative enough? Am i not exerting enough of my energy in things that i know i love doing? I know i said no fun facts in my very first blog post but here’s a fun fact for ya: I’m like really into art and i’m really good at it too. Okay, maybe not really good since its been so long since i sat down with a pen and paper and let my talent run wild, so i’m probably rusty now, but i was good at art.

Let me break this down real quick though, i was really good at doodling, sketching, and cartooning mostly. I would draw whatever my heart desired and i would hate when people would tell me to “draw them” because….like….no, i’m not going to do that lol I don’t want to. If i did, i would’ve done it ages ago. I was also never really confident in my skills given that i taught myself to draw beginning at the age of maybe…9? So of course i would never want to draw a person in a realistic style; my skills were only so limited to what i taught myself and what i picked up over the years of watching videos of others draw and the art and media around me. And over the years, starting from about 5 years ago, i sort of stopped exerting my artistic talents….not because i wanted to stop. Of course i didn’t want to stop. But I don’t know, somewhere along the line i just put down my pen and my multiple sketch books and gave myself a….rest? I guess? I mean, i didn’t need a rest but let’s just call it that, shall we?

On to my writing block. As i said a couple lines ago, I’ve always written things. Whether that be in a journal or on a random little scrap paper, i loved to write. English was always my favorite class growing up and i secretly loved writing papers and being able to just write all of my thoughts and/or opinions on a piece of paper and call it mine. I even enjoyed being told what to write about because even then, in my own little mind, i twisted it around so that it sounded like me, like it sounded like my own voice. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m making any sense, but i just really love to write, okay?

So whenever i get into a funk and i can’t think of anything to write about, it frustrates me. It frustrates me because why can’t i think of anything to write about? Have i lost all of my ideas? Have i lost my “touch”? Obviously these are just young me being a little over dramatic, but that’s how i feel sometimes which sucks. And i guess that feeling can be linked back as to why i sort of stopped drawing and sketching. I let all of those negative feelings and thoughts get to me so much to the point where i just stopped drawing/sketching. Wait, did i just solve my own problem? Looks like i did. That wasn’t even planned out either. I never plan out any of these posts, i sort of just let things come to me. But I’m glad that i sort of figured out my funk for my artsy skills. As for my writers block, I mean…I don’t know. I guess i just have so many things i want to write about that i don’t know where to start next. Which sounds a little obnoxious if i read that back to myself. Like what hundreds of thoughts do you honestly have stuck up inside your brain for the world to read and listen to? I mean I don’t know, but i do have plenty.

God, I’m so annoying. I sound like a know-it-all. Trust me thats not the vibe at all that I’m trying to go for here. I just want to write about shit that seems relatable, maybe help a brother or sister out, ya know? I don’t know. I also say that a lot: I don’t know. Because i never seem to know what’s next. I like to go with the flow, however clearly that tactic isn’t helping me with any of the types of blocks that I am currently having.

But yeah, anyways, now that i’ve figured out my problem as to why i stopped with my creativity on paper and my writers block, i want to start doing more things to help me get those creative juices flowing again. Like maybe carrying around a sketchbook and journal so i can doodle and jot down anything that inspires me and catches my eye. Maybe i can start taking more pictures of things around me, get inspired by that so i can doodle and write more. I’m not sure. What i do know is that “creative juices” is one of my tag things on Pinterest at the moment so, I’m sure that more social media things can help me figure out my creative juice flow. Who knows? Shrug. Definitely not me, that’s for sure. Because I don’t know.

 

 

**just so i don’t get told off–i do not own the picture that was featured for this post, i found it off google. All rights to the OG artist**

Body Positivity and the Struggle to finally find it

So for a lot of my life, I have always dealt with problems regarding my body and how i looked in the mirror. From the fluctuation of my weight to the hair on my body, I can’t remember a time i was truly happy with the way i looked. Since the 2nd grade and quite literally up until now, i’ve always had problems with my weight. I was and still am, quite hairy as well. And yes, you guessed it, i was bullied in elementary school for the way i looked–fat and hairy. They called me a fat gorilla back in the day. Oh the joys of early 2000s childhood education, am i right?

Anyways, back to the weight thing; I’ve dealt with it since elementary school and ever since then, being told by MOSTLY family members that i was too fat and that “little girls like me shouldn’t be as big as i was”. Which fine, children shouldn’t be too overweight, it’s not healthy. I guess i understand where they were coming from when i was in grade school. They were worried for my health, sure. Let’s go with that. But the reminder that my body never looked however it was “suppose to” look to them was a reminder that i was either: too fat, not pretty enough, or a mix of both. Which, let me remind you in the middle of your prepubescent years and all throughout your puberty years, hearing that shit sucks dude. And hearing these constant reminders that i’m not skinny or i need to lose “just a bit more weight” took a toll on my self-esteem and self-worth and how i viewed myself.

Even when i was at my smallest 3 years ago at about 123 pounds, i was STILL not happy with how i looked. Because all those years of torture from those bullies in grade school and the family members that would remind me that i’m still not skinny enough, took my body positivity away from me. Not to mention what the media portrays on TV with how “women are suppose to look like” and those beautiful Victoria Secret Models, comparing myself to what i was seeing on the media, of course i still wasn’t happy with the way i looked. How can I with all of these unrealistic expectations that i was looking at on the TV? It’s just sad really, that even at my very smallest i wasn’t happy and i’m sure so many other people feel that way too. Being torn down by so many people from a young age really does something to your psyche.

And now here i am. After about 12 years of being ridiculed and told I was “too fat”, I am finally starting to accept the way i look and embrace myself. At almost 21 years old and i am only NOW feeling good about myself, sure, i have my off days where i look at myself in the mirror and don’t like the way i look or how a certain part of me is shaped, but now I can say that it’s okay. That it’s okay to have love handles, that it’s okay that when i sit down my gut decides to have rolls, that it’s okay to have cellulite on my butt and thighs. All of that is okay. I am only human. None of us are perfect human beings with whatever the hell a perfect body looks like. We are all beautiful in our own ways.

So if there is one thing i wish people can stop doing; stop ridiculing others on the way they look. And I’m not just talking about those who are above that “perfect weight” whatever the hell that means, I’m also talking about the thin people. Stop shaming people for being too skinny and stop shaming people for being too fat. You don’t know what is going on in their life for them to look like that. Maybe they’ve always looked the way they have, regardless of what it is. STOP IT. We need to stop tearing people down and start bringing people up. If you feel healthy and good about yourself and you feel like you can own it, girl, WORK IT. Embrace your body and flaunt what you have because baby, we only have one life to live and have only one body to live that life in. So we better own the shit out of ourselves because we are all beautiful human beings no matter what shape we are. Love yourself, it’s hard and it might take a long time to start doing it, but i promise you once you get there it is the best feeling in the world.

☮️

 

 

**just so i don’t get told off–i do not own the picture that was featured for this post, i found it off google. All rights to the OG artist**